May 12, 2015

Little Clark II: 37 weeks

Dear Graham,

Your birthday has come and gone.  37 weeks to the day, May 5.  Full term.  You did such a great job baby.  Your birth was the most peaceful thing I could have imagined, and much better than I thought…probably thanks to the tub and then later the epidural.  You came so quickly once things got going; just 4 pushes, 2 minutes and you were here.  Just the opposite of your wind up; 40+ hrs.  Sticking out your tongue at the doctor, making little moans, sporting the best smell and softest skin, you joined us like any other baby.  You had your Daddy’s cheeks and nose, but my mouth.  You had long dark eyelashes and a little bit of hair in the back that I’m betting was going to be blonde.  Right at the top you had an opening, all exposed to the world, protected by the tiniest membrane.  I was worried about the knit fibers from the hat getting in and hurting you.  Grandparents and uncles and auntie got to love on you.  You had some brother time…where James pointed at you and said bebe; touched your nose, then his, then mine, then Dad’s.  He knew you were part of us, and we all loved you since we first discovered your presence.  Your precious purple feet were huge, and you had long fingers too.  I loved squishing your chubby little arms and tummy.  You were such a fighter for those five hours…peeking out an eye just once, softly cooing and sticking out your little tongue.  I guess five is your number.  Born 5/5/2015, 5lbs 5oz, with us just 5 hrs.  How interesting.  I would have given you a larger number…like a zillion or something that way you’d outlive me.  But I didn’t get to decide.  You’ve given me a different kind of Mother’s Day this year.  I got pictures of you and James together and somehow that made my empty arms ever so slightly bearable.  You gave me a full term pregnancy and left me with 3 little stretch mark reminders of your presence.  I love them.  You’ve made me a mother of three even if I’m only “Mama” to one.  For those things I am thankful.  I’m glad that breathing isn’t a struggle for you anymore.  I miss you baby.  I miss you so much that every inch of me aches.  I wish you were here being part of our family now rather than in heaven, which I know is extremely selfish, but I don’t really care.  I love you little guy, and cannot wait to see you again.  

Loves forever,
Mama


For those of you who’ve been reading my journey with Graham…this will be the last post.  Maybe at some point I’ll share about the whole birth and life we shared, but not right now.  Thank you for reading and prayers and light and love and all the encouragement that has been sent to us.  Words really cannot express how much we have appreciated and needed your love.  It was never about that…fishing for those things.  It was about keeping his life sacred; a public honoring of him.  And with his burial Saturday, I think this would be a good time for wrapping up.  Take care and thank you for sharing in this with us.

2 comments:

  1. I am so, so sorry for your loss!!! What a beautiful little boy. <3

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  2. You are always in our hearts and prayers Susan, Brad, James and Graham. We have prayed with you and cried with you. We share your loss and know all too well the feelings you are having….All are prayers…the Cushmans

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