June 2, 2015

Life Lately: Walks in town

Moving into town has brought some fun new opportunities.  Not only are we closer to Dairy Queen blizzards but we're also closer to the park!  Nightly family walks through neighborhoods and down paved trails are becoming a wonderful tradition.  My personal favorite jaunt is around soccer fields to the Borst Home.  This historic 1860 home is beautiful and is surrounded by gardens featuring native plants, new techniques, traditional groupings and heirloom vegetables.  (pick at risk of arrest)  It has softened our first month in town and sans Graham.

May 31, 2015

Monthly Portraits: May

This month I got to celebrate two little fellas in portraits.
Courtesy of Amy Clark
James - He's been adding daily to his vocabulary, and my favorite new word is eeker (cracker).  The way he add peez (please) at the end of requests for eekers just kills me.  He also started in a new bed, and has been doing alright with staying in it.  He's also been sick for the first time; a douzy of double ear infections and pneumonia.

Graham - He was perfection.

May 12, 2015

Little Clark II: 37 weeks

Dear Graham,

Your birthday has come and gone.  37 weeks to the day, May 5.  Full term.  You did such a great job baby.  Your birth was the most peaceful thing I could have imagined, and much better than I thought…probably thanks to the tub and then later the epidural.  You came so quickly once things got going; just 4 pushes, 2 minutes and you were here.  Just the opposite of your wind up; 40+ hrs.  Sticking out your tongue at the doctor, making little moans, sporting the best smell and softest skin, you joined us like any other baby.  You had your Daddy’s cheeks and nose, but my mouth.  You had long dark eyelashes and a little bit of hair in the back that I’m betting was going to be blonde.  Right at the top you had an opening, all exposed to the world, protected by the tiniest membrane.  I was worried about the knit fibers from the hat getting in and hurting you.  Grandparents and uncles and auntie got to love on you.  You had some brother time…where James pointed at you and said bebe; touched your nose, then his, then mine, then Dad’s.  He knew you were part of us, and we all loved you since we first discovered your presence.  Your precious purple feet were huge, and you had long fingers too.  I loved squishing your chubby little arms and tummy.  You were such a fighter for those five hours…peeking out an eye just once, softly cooing and sticking out your little tongue.  I guess five is your number.  Born 5/5/2015, 5lbs 5oz, with us just 5 hrs.  How interesting.  I would have given you a larger number…like a zillion or something that way you’d outlive me.  But I didn’t get to decide.  You’ve given me a different kind of Mother’s Day this year.  I got pictures of you and James together and somehow that made my empty arms ever so slightly bearable.  You gave me a full term pregnancy and left me with 3 little stretch mark reminders of your presence.  I love them.  You’ve made me a mother of three even if I’m only “Mama” to one.  For those things I am thankful.  I’m glad that breathing isn’t a struggle for you anymore.  I miss you baby.  I miss you so much that every inch of me aches.  I wish you were here being part of our family now rather than in heaven, which I know is extremely selfish, but I don’t really care.  I love you little guy, and cannot wait to see you again.  

Loves forever,

For those of you who’ve been reading my journey with Graham…this will be the last post.  Maybe at some point I’ll share about the whole birth and life we shared, but not right now.  Thank you for reading and prayers and light and love and all the encouragement that has been sent to us.  Words really cannot express how much we have appreciated and needed your love.  It was never about that…fishing for those things.  It was about keeping his life sacred; a public honoring of him.  And with his burial Saturday, I think this would be a good time for wrapping up.  Take care and thank you for sharing in this with us.

April 28, 2015

Little Clark II: 36 weeks

Hello Graham,

We spent this past week packing, sorting, tossing and giving away, surrounded by boxes.  You see we are moving on Saturday (lovely timing), and getting ready to be in a fresh place with two bedrooms AND a dishwasher.  Our weekly appointments are the same basic thing 15 minute thing.  The doctor says you are quite big, and each week she is surprised to hear of your movement and listen to you steady heartbeat.  I think that because I haven't been on progesterone with a history of pre-term labor, they are shocked to find you, my boy, doing so well this late in the game.  You are still moving around quite a bit...and with the daily contractions/Braxton Hicks, I can see that your time inside is coming to an end.  Your favorite time to wiggle around is whenever I rub my hands around my belly.  I love trying to figure out what is your tush, feet, etc.  They suppose you are close to 17/18 inches long and somewhere around 5 or 6 lbs.  You extend well into my ribs, causing a great deal of heartburn if ever I eat or drink anything.  I must admit that I am a bit nervous for labor because I imagine it will be quite different than with your brother.  Congratulations because you now hold the record for longest pregnancy and have since April 20th!  What a professional.  So we are both in new territory now.  I love you baby, we went for a short jaunt to Iron Creek Falls in Randle this past week with some of our Alaska family.  It was gorgeous, but I didn't quite make it the whole way.  I'm sure it was even prettier when viewed from just below.  So we snapped a quite photo in the rain to document.  I've been finding myself have a harder and harder time saying and hearing the word dead...and it is everywhere!  My phone is dead...the car battery is dead...the computer died...etc.  I noticed I was getting creative when telling your Dad that my phone didn't have a charge, and I wondered why.  Avoiding the word, I suppose.  It makes it even sadder because all of those things simply need time before they are jump started back to new...not actually dead, just depleted...not actually gone, just temporarily.  And I know that your state won't be...gone will mean gone forever on this earth.  But you're not yet, and we're thankful.  Every kick reminds me that we get to enjoy you a moment longer.  I love you little Graham, and I hope if you know/sense anything that you can feel loved.


April 16, 2015

Little Clark II: 34 weeks

Hello Graham!

This week was very good, maybe even great!  We ate yummy food, enjoyed camping, soaked in time as our little family of four with your Uncle John.  And I got to see you again live from the ultrasound machine!  This time your Nana was there too because Dad had to work.  But baby, not only are you huge, at least 5 lbs the doc said, but you've also flipped!  You are head down, which makes me feel a bit more relaxed.  We were going to deliver breach, but you decided for the ?easier? option.  I'm not sure that will be easier for your little head though, which leaves me torn.  But we got to see your little fist, crunched up knees and feet, and perfectly formed and beating heart.  You keep surprising the doctor I think because she had said to be ready for birth at 28 weeks, but each visit she keeps pushing it back.  You are settled in quite nicely, and aside from the anencephaly everything looks perfect.  Mentally I've been considering this week your due date, simply because that is when your brother came, but I don't mind you waiting.  We're looking at a rental this next week, and hope to get in by May 1...so that the new tenants can move into our current/hopefully old place.  You're kicking as I write this which makes me think...hmm...it is getting close to lunch time.  How about some apple carrot salad?  That sounds delish to me.  Love you so much baby.  Pray for you even more, my biggest prayer is that you survive birth.  I know that we will have to be content with whatever happens, but I would love to hold you in my arms before your little soul moves on.

So many kisses,